R&M: Rum and Monkey, hello.
R&M: Hello.
R&M: OK, first question.
R&M: Oh.
R&M: Is there a problem?
R&M: I rather hoped we would start with the third question.
R&M: Oh, all right.
R&M: Goody.
R&M: OK, third question. Why did you do it?
R&M: I was young and needed the money.
R&M: OK, first question.
R&M: Oh.
R&M: Is there another problem?
R&M: Yes -
R&M: Whiny bitches.
R&M: Yes. I rather hoped we would start with the third question.
R&M: We did.
R&M: Then all is right with the world.
R&M: I wouldn't say that until you've heard the second question.
R&M: Out with it then.
R&M: This is all most irregular..
R&M: SPEAK.
R&M: Oh, suit yourself. Second question: does this hurt?
R&M: ...ow?
R&M: As I suspected.
R&M: ...
R&M: Supplementary question, come to think of it. Which of the Rum Monkeys are you?
R&M: ...
R&M: Ah, I see, I haven't taken the thingy out. There we go.
R&M: ...ow?
R&M: Most probably.
R&M: ...ow. Ugh. Never do that again.
R&M: C'mon. You know I will. We will. Whatever.
R&M: I guess so. Bloody sore though.
R&M: Now answer the question.
R&M: I'm the space where Iain would be if he still wrote stuff here.
R&M: I see. Now onto the first question.
R&M: At last.
R&M: Shup.
R&M: ...
R&M: First question (finally): why haven't there been any articles for sodding ages?
R&M: That's not true. Gregor wrote one only... a month... ago... ah.
R&M: Indeed.
R&M: Well, it's complex.
R&M: Is it now.
R&M: I wouldn't expect you to understand.
R&M: I see.
R&M: In layman's terms, though, Ben's busy and I'm a lazy bitch.
R&M: I see.
R&M: Plus I've got a full-time job, I'm moving house, I have no internet access at home, and a whole bunch of other shit. But basically I'm lazy.
R&M: I see.
R&M: So what's the next-
R&M: One moment please. Kindly prostrate yourself in shame.
R&M [looking at floor]: On that?!
R&M: Yes.
R&M: [does so]
R&M: Lol.
R&M: That was revolting.
R&M: Rofl.
R&M: Next question please. And hurry.
R&M: Very well. Let's take a look behind the scenes at R&M.
R&M: Is that wise?
R&M: Not even slightly. But if you'd be so kind.
R&M: Well, OK then. Where shall I start?
R&M: At the beginning.
R&M: OK dokey. The first thing you see is the reception palace. This is built to an original Lutyens design initially intended to be the residence of the Maharajah of-
R&M: Is this true?
R&M: No.
R&M: Then kindly unspeak that and speak the truth in its place.
R&M: I am the very essence of shame. Sorry.
R&M: Continue.
R&M: The first thing you see is a prostitute.
R&M: That's more like it.
R&M: Then several more.
R&M: Excellent.
R&M: In fact the next few things you see are all elements of the criminal underworld. It's really rather sordid.
R&M: Ah, nostalgia.
R&M: What do you mean, nostalgia? You live there.
R&M: Ah, happiness.
R&M: Each to their own. Now, I originally suggested a terrace house in Sidcup, but no-
R&M: No digressing. Back to the criminal underworld.
R&M: Bah. Oh OK. It is an impressive accumulation of human dregs though. Did you know Baise-Moi and Lilya 4-Ever were both shot on location here?
R&M: Oh?
R&M: Yeah, they weren't even intending to shoot a film. But when the directors got kidnapped and the cameras happened to be rolling, they decided they might as well make films out of the footage.
R&M: Sensible approach.
R&M: Yeah. And it helped to block out the awful memories of what Sven did to them.
R&M: Shudder.
R&M: For a while.
R&M: Enough of such things. What happens when you get past the scum?
R&M: If.
R&M: If you get past the scum, then.
R&M: Well, you come to the door.
R&M: A return to normality.
R&M: Y'know, you do live there. You know exactly what's behind that door. So pretending otherwise is really just leading the poor readers into a false sense of not being about to be thrown into fits of revulsion.
R&M: Yeah. Innit great?
R&M: Whatever. I won't beat around the bush. What's behind the door is-
R&M: Is?!
R&M: Behind the door is -
R&M: IS?!
R&M: Shup bitch. Behind the door is a lobby.
R&M: You're not the paragon of dramatic tension I once thought, you know.
R&M: The lobby has music.
R&M: Tell them about the music.
R&M: The music is from Sven's collection.
R&M: Which parts precisely?
R&M: Brian Eno's Music for Airports.
R&M: Egad.
R&M: Yeah. 'shorrible. But you can get through if you wait for a gap in the music and make a dash for it.
R&M: Is that difficult?
R&M: No, some of the gaps between notes are up to half an hour long. It's pretty simp- hang on a sec, why are you asking me? Don't you have to do this too?
R&M: Nah. I use the side door.
R&M: There's a side door?!
R&M: Yes. By the chip shop. Haven't you ever seen it?
R&M: No. To be honest all that stuff about the lobby I got from Ben. Personally, I've never managed to get past the prostitutes.
R&M: Yes, I remember the Christmas Party.
R&M: ...remember?
R&M: Yes. It was quite memorable.
R&M: ...it finished?
R&M: Generally a safe assumption by mid-August.
R&M: ...oh.
R&M: Just one goddamn minute. How are you going to continue the article if you've never even been inside your own office?
R&M: Wanton speculation and brazen fibs.
R&M: I think this is coming to a natural break.
R&M: Yeah, I'm beginning to come to the same conclusion about the Christmas party.
R&M: Welcome back to humanity.
R&M: Cheers. Fancy a prostitute?
R&M: No thanks, I'm trying to cut back.
R&M: Ah g'wan.
R&M: Oh all right then.
Prostitute: Ello. Feed me. [falls asleep in own beard]
R&M: ...Sven?