Interview: Rum and Monkey meets itself; horror ensues

R&M: Rum and Monkey, hello. R&M: Hello. R&M: OK, first question. R&M: Oh. R&M: Is there a problem? R&M: I rather hoped we would start with the third question. R&M: Oh, all right. R&M: Goody. R&M: OK, third question. Why did you do it? R&M: I was young and needed the money. R&M: OK, first question. R&M: Oh. R&M: Is there another problem? R&M: Yes - R&M: Whiny bitches. R&M: Yes. I rather hoped we would start with the third question. R&M: We did. R&M: Then all is right with the world. R&M: I wouldn't say that until you've heard the second question. R&M: Out with it then. R&M: This is all most irregular.. R&M: SPEAK. R&M: Oh, suit yourself. Second question: does this hurt? R&M: ...ow? R&M: As I suspected. R&M: ... R&M: Supplementary question, come to think of it. Which of the Rum Monkeys are you? R&M: ... R&M: Ah, I see, I haven't taken the thingy out. There we go. R&M: ...ow? R&M: Most probably. R&M: ...ow. Ugh. Never do that again. R&M: C'mon. You know I will. We will. Whatever. R&M: I guess so. Bloody sore though. R&M: Now answer the question. R&M: I'm the space where Iain would be if he still wrote stuff here. R&M: I see. Now onto the first question. R&M: At last. R&M: Shup. R&M: ... R&M: First question (finally): why haven't there been any articles for sodding ages? R&M: That's not true. Gregor wrote one only... a month... ago... ah. R&M: Indeed. R&M: Well, it's complex. R&M: Is it now. R&M: I wouldn't expect you to understand. R&M: I see. R&M: In layman's terms, though, Ben's busy and I'm a lazy bitch. R&M: I see. R&M: Plus I've got a full-time job, I'm moving house, I have no internet access at home, and a whole bunch of other shit. But basically I'm lazy. R&M: I see. R&M: So what's the next- R&M: One moment please. Kindly prostrate yourself in shame. R&M [looking at floor]: On that?! R&M: Yes. R&M: [does so] R&M: Lol. R&M: That was revolting. R&M: Rofl. R&M: Next question please. And hurry. R&M: Very well. Let's take a look behind the scenes at R&M. R&M: Is that wise? R&M: Not even slightly. But if you'd be so kind. R&M: Well, OK then. Where shall I start? R&M: At the beginning. R&M: OK dokey. The first thing you see is the reception palace. This is built to an original Lutyens design initially intended to be the residence of the Maharajah of- R&M: Is this true? R&M: No. R&M: Then kindly unspeak that and speak the truth in its place. R&M: I am the very essence of shame. Sorry. R&M: Continue. R&M: The first thing you see is a prostitute. R&M: That's more like it. R&M: Then several more. R&M: Excellent. R&M: In fact the next few things you see are all elements of the criminal underworld. It's really rather sordid. R&M: Ah, nostalgia. R&M: What do you mean, nostalgia? You live there. R&M: Ah, happiness. R&M: Each to their own. Now, I originally suggested a terrace house in Sidcup, but no- R&M: No digressing. Back to the criminal underworld. R&M: Bah. Oh OK. It is an impressive accumulation of human dregs though. Did you know Baise-Moi and Lilya 4-Ever were both shot on location here? R&M: Oh? R&M: Yeah, they weren't even intending to shoot a film. But when the directors got kidnapped and the cameras happened to be rolling, they decided they might as well make films out of the footage. R&M: Sensible approach. R&M: Yeah. And it helped to block out the awful memories of what Sven did to them. R&M: Shudder. R&M: For a while. R&M: Enough of such things. What happens when you get past the scum? R&M: If. R&M: If you get past the scum, then. R&M: Well, you come to the door. R&M: A return to normality. R&M: Y'know, you do live there. You know exactly what's behind that door. So pretending otherwise is really just leading the poor readers into a false sense of not being about to be thrown into fits of revulsion. R&M: Yeah. Innit great? R&M: Whatever. I won't beat around the bush. What's behind the door is- R&M: Is?! R&M: Behind the door is - R&M: IS?! R&M: Shup bitch. Behind the door is a lobby. R&M: You're not the paragon of dramatic tension I once thought, you know. R&M: The lobby has music. R&M: Tell them about the music. R&M: The music is from Sven's collection. R&M: Which parts precisely? R&M: Brian Eno's Music for Airports. R&M: Egad. R&M: Yeah. 'shorrible. But you can get through if you wait for a gap in the music and make a dash for it. R&M: Is that difficult? R&M: No, some of the gaps between notes are up to half an hour long. It's pretty simp- hang on a sec, why are you asking me? Don't you have to do this too? R&M: Nah. I use the side door. R&M: There's a side door?! R&M: Yes. By the chip shop. Haven't you ever seen it? R&M: No. To be honest all that stuff about the lobby I got from Ben. Personally, I've never managed to get past the prostitutes. R&M: Yes, I remember the Christmas Party. R&M: ...remember? R&M: Yes. It was quite memorable. R&M: ...it finished? R&M: Generally a safe assumption by mid-August. R&M: ...oh. R&M: Just one goddamn minute. How are you going to continue the article if you've never even been inside your own office? R&M: Wanton speculation and brazen fibs. R&M: I think this is coming to a natural break. R&M: Yeah, I'm beginning to come to the same conclusion about the Christmas party. R&M: Welcome back to humanity. R&M: Cheers. Fancy a prostitute? R&M: No thanks, I'm trying to cut back. R&M: Ah g'wan. R&M: Oh all right then. Prostitute: Ello. Feed me. [falls asleep in own beard] R&M: ...Sven?

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