[Author's note: for those not in the know, Echelon is a suspected vast electronic listening and spying system run by the UK and US governments. Unlike bodies like the MoD, the CIA, Dick Cheney and Cuba, which may or may not exist, Echelon's existence has been repeatedly denied. It is generally assumed, therefore, to exist, on the principle that if it did not, both governments would claim to have six of it.]

BEGIN READOUT: NOTABLE RECENT INTERCEPTIONS
FAIL
SIGH
BEGIN READOUT: "NOTABLE RECENT INTERCEPTIONS"
READOUT IN PROGRESS
BEGIN READOUT: "ARSEHOLE COMPUTER SYSTEMS"
FAIL
YEAH DAMN RIGHT
ARSEHOLE
READOUT BEGINNING
PRINTING

1710GMT 21-07-04 +++ akbar. Allahu-akbar. The Eagle is ready to bring +++
1711GMT 21-07-04 +++ loud and clear. Heavens be praised. Allahu +++
1713GMT 21-07-04 +++ Repeat - Eagle is ready to bring divine rain. All +++
1713GMT 21-07-04 +++ thrustingly. Of course Egypt remains a risk. Now spread them apart and +++
1715GMT 21-07-04 +++ divine rain. Can you hear me? Allahu akbar. Repeat, Eagle +++
1715GMT 21-07-04 +++ must put pressure on the Gaza situation. Yes. Yes. Papa has found the plumbing. That's the puppy. On the other hand perhaps Bashar al-Assad might +++
1715GMT 21-07-04 +++ wants all the military in Iraq. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. But he won't stop talking about it. No, he still won't take the pills because +++
1716GMT 21-07-04 +++ Please acknowledge. Please acknowledge. Allahu akbar. Eagle +++
1717GMT 21-07-04 +++ as you should know. The oil was originally in our hands, of course. Talking of oil - yes. No, right up inside. Yes. As for the Lebanon +++
1726GMT 21-07-04 +++ acknowledge. Fuck's sake Ali. Do you want this bloody eagle to release bloody divine rain or not? I repeat, Eagle is +++
1730GMT 21-07-04 +++ speak to Jimmy Naismith at Echelon please? No, no clearance. No, this is his mother. What? What? How dare +++
1730GMT 21-07-04 +++ at the Afghan poppies again? I repeat, Ali, have +++
1731GMT 21-07-04 +++ and tried to eat Rumsfeld as well. No, we kept it out of the papers. [unintelligible] Moore film. Watch this [unintelligible] drive. [unintelligible] [unintelligible] [unintelligible] cuntsloppers [unintelligible] damn right. Yes. Yes. [unintelligible] Sorry sir. Damn right general. Sir. [static] +++
1741GMT 21-07-04 +++ should think so too. [unintelligible] Really. Jimmy? [unintelligible] Now listen young man [uninteresting] +++
1757GMT 21-07-04 +++ just like being back at Marlborough. Now fasten those around it like that. And this one in here. Good. The secret is of course not to spare the [unintelligible] and really give it your all. Stay still. Now [static] about those [static] Kurds [static] harder [static] delicate political balance [static] unresolved economic questions [static] take full advantage [static] and I mean full advantage [static] [static] [static] sake Jenkins. You've got [static] all over the floor. +++
1800GMT 21-07-04 +++ evening. This is Trevor Macdonald with the news at +++
1826GMT 21-07-04 +++ devil of a time getting through to you at work Jimmy. It won't do. [unintelligible] peas or carrots with the chicken [unintelligible] +++
1827GMT 21-07-04 +++ shit, he's at the interns again [static] someone grab his ankles [static] my eye on that one as well [static] +++
1827GMT 21-07-04 +++ know anything about any planes [unintelligible] well no-one told me. Far as I knew [static] planning a small demonstration in Chelmsford. Never mentioned any planes. What's [unintelligible] Eagle business anyway? Ali? [static] +++
1835GMT 21-07-04 +++ [static] no, I think he's swallowed the whole thing. What? Yeah. CNN fodder written all over it [static] yeah. yeah [extreme static] at it again. To hell with this shit. Let's call in Arnie. +++
1835GMT 21-07-04 +++ [extreme static] very good Jenkins. Yes. Yes. [static] Who's the gentleman? Who's the gentleman? [static] Ahh. Yes. Yes. [static] Good heavens. My word I'm good. Jenkins, call in Arnie. +++
1835GMT 21-07-04 +++ [unintelligible] my mother. No, I don't know how sir. No [unintelligible] not enough ordinance [unintelligible] determined old bat [unintelligible] [static] [unintelligible] call in Arnie. +++
1836GMT 21-07-04 +++ [static] in. Muhammad? This is Ali. Please come in Muham- [static] all off anyway. Yes [static] all gone pearshaped [static] Eagle return to nest immediately repeat immediately [static] Chelmsford or Mazar-el-Sharif, I don't give a monkeys [static] opposition, yes. Repeat unexpected opposition. [static] sod that [static] no. [static] [static] [static] bastards called in Arnie. +++



END READOUT
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FUCK'S SAKE
READOUT PROCESSING
READOUT PROCESSING
READOUT PROCESSING
READOUT FINISHED PROCESSING
PREPARED AS PRESS RELEASE
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CONFIRMED
READOUT CIRCULATED TO MAJOR PUBLICATIONS
ARSEHOLE
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PROCESSING


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CURRENT DIALOGUE CIRCULATED TO YOUR MOTHER